The Cringemas Chronicles — Part 2

This is Part 2 in a series. Read Part 1 here.

Before we get into the next movie, let’s see where we are:

  • D̵e̵c̵e̵m̵b̵e̵r̵ ̵1̵s̵t̵ ̵-̵ ̵T̵h̵e̵ ̵C̵h̵r̵i̵s̵t̵m̵a̵s̵ ̵C̵h̵r̵o̵n̵i̵c̵l̵e̵s̵
  • ̵D̵e̵c̵e̵m̵b̵e̵r̵ ̵8̵t̵h̵ ̵-̵ ̵S̵i̵l̵e̵n̵t̵ ̵N̵i̵g̵h̵t̵,̵ ̵D̵e̵a̵d̵l̵y̵ ̵N̵i̵g̵h̵t̵ ̵P̵a̵r̵t̵ ̵2̵
  • D̵e̵c̵e̵m̵b̵e̵r̵ ̵1̵5̵t̵h̵ ̵-̵ ̵S̵a̵n̵t̵a̵ ̵W̵i̵t̵h̵ ̵M̵u̵s̵c̵l̵e̵s̵
  • December 21st — A Christmas Prince
  • December 22nd — A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding
  • December 23rd — The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t (MST3K version)
  • December 24th — Babes in Toyland
  • December 25th — Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (MST3K version)

A Christmas Prince

  • There is a shocking twist in which a royal decree is found inside of a giant decorative acorn. This is the highlight of the film.
  • Daniel Fathers plays the protagonist’s father and, by far, puts up the best performance in the movie. Everyone else looks like they’re either reading off cue cards or like they memorized their lines the moment before the cameras started rolling. Fathers, on the other hand, does his best with the crummy meager role he was given and serves as a nice reminder that not every actor in this movie is a secret robot.
  • If I had to compare the experience of watching A Christmas Prince to something, it would be walking around in a gallery of Thomas Kinkade paintings while your sheltered religious grandmother tells you about favorite romance novels.

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

  • The villain from the first movie returns to serve as a red herring and do not much else. Like the father character, he acts 100% different from his performance in the first movie, almost like the sequel takes place in a parallel universe to the first one, a la Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.(Which was surprisingly great, by the way.)
  • So. Much. Filler. Very little actually happens in this movie, just a lot of meandering, dull performances, and unearned fan service.

The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t (MST3K Version)

  • Santa’s workshop looks like an efficiency apartment with a small attached room where no more than twelve elves slave away to make toys for every child on the planet. That, combined with the fact that Santa can’t pay the bills, gives the movie a slummy, kind of pathetic vibe. It’s almost sad.
  • There is a painfully long scene in which the balding lawyer character helps Santa practice his laughing. Afterwards, the lawyer rolls around on the floor and play with toys.

Babes in Toyland

  • Humpty Dumpty is frequently seen in the background, sitting on walls. However, he never, not once, has a great fall. Consider my expectations subverted.
  • The Toymaster, a Santa's helper type character and the sage of film, is played by Pat Morita, AKA Mr. Miyagi. Star. Studded.
  • The climax of the film features an army of life-size toy soldiers firing rifles and canons and gooey tree monsters. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (MST3K Version)

  • There’s something charming about Sci-Fi movies from this era. The slapdash, cardboard-looking, retro-futuristic style is just… cute. It’s like an elementary school play.
  • The MST3K host segments on this episode are hilarious.

Final Thoughts

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